


She Carries a Burden

by ObtuseOctopus



Series: Living in Hue [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Developing Friendships, Discussion of Abortion, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Gem Egg Hell, Gemlings, Gen, Heavy Angst, Mating Cycles/In Heat, Multi, Pregnancy, References to Depression, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Self-Worth Issues, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23736988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObtuseOctopus/pseuds/ObtuseOctopus
Summary: • COMPLETE. •Lapis despises herself after recent events. She seeks help from one of the few Gems who can understand her situation.
Relationships: Bismuth/Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), Bismuth/Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe), Lapis Lazuli/Peridot (Steven Universe)
Series: Living in Hue [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1615498
Comments: 1
Kudos: 18





	She Carries a Burden

**Author's Note:**

> // Takes place before any of the main events- obviously.
> 
> Contains talk about things such as self-hatred, pregnancy related topics, etc.

_ What did you do? _

Lapis was shaking, her body panicking and collapsing underneath her own weight.

_ What… did you do… _

Her hands were trembling, unable to grasp the ground beneath her. Her vision was blurry, unsteady. No matter how much she tried, she couldn’t stop shaking.

_ This can’t be happening… _

_ You… KNEW this would happen. _

_ You deserve this. _

_ You deserve every single inch of this. _

_ You’re a whore.  _

_ You’re a slut.  _

She had to secretly turn to human blogs and articles, magazines and info charts to confirm her suspicions; morning sickness, exhaustion, a recent need to actually  _ eat _ ...

_ You were in heat. _

_ And this is what happens… _

She never even knew this could be possible; Gems had for so long been carefully created and watched to avoid this exact situation. Years ago, on Homeworld, no physical reproduction at all was legal. The Diamonds would never risk hybrids or Gems too weak to contribute to society. If anybody still retained the ability to reproduce, it was Gems from long ago or Gems with defects. As much as she knew, anyway.

_ I… can’t even remember who I was with… _

Then came the flashes, the colors, the faces. Faint memories she could recall if she took the time.

She had betrayed some of her closest friends just by exposing them to herself when she had been most vulnerable.

And if she was right about this, she dragged them into this.

_ I can’t… I couldn’t have… _

_ I tried to keep myself away-! _

_ I tried-! _

Lapis couldn’t comprehend her thoughts, all a jumbled mess too great to unravel. Her eyes watered and her chest felt like it was being deflated, an emotion so strong boiling inside her that could split buildings with one slice if it ever came out.

_ They hate me. _

_ They don’t want to see me ever again. _

_ They never asked for this. _

_ You’re a fucking whore. _

_ I… am a whore. _

She knew she had to take responsibility; she was the one that caused this. But what path to take? Keep them anyway? Get rid of them?

Lapis had never looked in a mirror again since the days of her imprisonment. Yet, she found herself standing in front of an old one now that she had found thrown away days ago. 

_ You don’t seem too obvious yet. _

It was only a very slight difference in her weight, noticeable if you knew what to look for, but how long until she couldn’t hide it anymore? 

Lapis began to hate looking at herself. She had a feeling that she was right with her suspicions and it made her  _ sick _ . She turned away, shattering the mirror into a billion cracks and shards using just one water wing that she had summoned.

_ I can run away. _

_ No. _

_ If you do that, then you’re a coward avoiding responsibility! _

_ Do you really want to run away again? What good did that ever do? _

_ Nothing. _

_ It makes no difference. _

_ You learned that the hard way. _

_ I can’t even… think in first person anymore. _

_ You’re a slut. _

_ You ruin it for everyone. _

_ You’re a monster. _

_ And… I know I’m right… _

She covered her face, sitting on the floor.

_ I’m so sorry, guys… _

_ I’m so sorry… _

_ You need to talk to them. _

_ You need to let them know… _

But most of the fear was rooted in how they would react. Lapis didn’t want to deal with that. As far as she was concerned, she ruined a happily ever after.

_ You need to tell them… _

_ No matter how they take it... _

_ Stop running away. _

_ Get help. _

Lapis faintly ghosted a hand along her abdomen.

_ I… need help. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


“Believe me, you’re the last person I ever would come to,” Lapis scoffed, ignoring Pearl’s confusion. The other Gem was beyond dumbfounded with Lapis’ appearance at the Temple after years of no interaction at all, but Lapis knew that if it was anybody else who would understand, it would be a Gem who was as old as her.

“I know, but it still shocks me. You’ve never made an effort to talk to me or even befriend me before, so do excuse my surprise,” Pearl said, folding up the last of the clothing articles that she fetched from the washing machine.

Lapis rolled her eyes. “I know.” She stared off at the ocean in the distance, the evening calm and quiet. The ocean Gem leaned against one of the fingers that made up the Temple’s large statue, watching Pearl finish up her chores as she tried to muster the courage to ask the real question. “Whose clothes are you even washing? I thought Steven left.” She still had the art set that he had given her too. 

“He left, and Greg moved in,” Pearl explained.

“Hm.” 

“Is something bothering you?”

Lapis tensed. “What? No-!” She lied past her teeth, muscles stiff. 

Pearl gave a look. “You actually want to talk to me, you requested that I speak to you privately- if you ask me, I would’ve thought you were cracked.”

“I’m not cracked.”

“Then what’s going on, Lapis? Why is it that you suddenly-?”

“I’m-... pregnant,” Lapis blurted.

It fell deathly quiet.

Lapis made eye contact, staring at Pearl who blankly stared back at her.

“You’re-?” Pearl began, dropping the last shirt she had been folding.

“It’s complicated,” Lapis hissed. “I didn’t think I’d go into heat, alright?”

“That’s… I haven’t heard that term in  _ moons _ .”

“I know. That’s why I came to you- because you know more about this than anyone else I know.”

“You… came to me seeking advice?”

“Yes!” Lapis summoned her wings, flaring them up with agitation. “I never asked for this. I should’ve known and I should’ve been more careful-!”

“Alright, let’s calm down before anything happens. Lapis, do you know whose it is?”

Lapis nervously rubbed her arm. “... Peridot, I think.”

“That’s impossible. She’s from the second era. I thought that they-“

“OBVIOUSLY,” Lapis clenched her hands into fists. “And your girlfriend or whatever-“

Pearl stood up, snapping to attention. “Girlfriend?”

“You know who I’m talking about,” Lapis growled.

“I don’t, actually,” Pearl shrugged. Of course she didn’t. Bismuth didn’t make any official moves yet. That damn Gem.

“Bismuth. Ring a bell?” Lapis mumbled. “I went into heat around them- they’re the only Gems who I-“ she stopped, noticing Pearl’s facial expression. “What?”

“There were two Gems involved?”

“THE FUCK DOES IT SOUND LIKE?!” Lopis snapped. “Stars, you don’t need to remind me how much of a whore I am! I TRIED to avoid it! My cycles SHOULD be gone by now! Go ahead, laugh! Laugh at me, Pearl! Laugh at the slut who-!”

“Lapis, calm,” Pearl gently said. She touched Lapis’ shoulder.

“HOW?! How am I supposed to calm down when I’ve fucked everything up?! I came so far from the awful person I used to be only for it to be for nothing! You don’t even know how Peridot or Bismuth would react. They’d never want to see me again! What use is there to me staying here? What if it happens again?!” Lapis pushed Pearl’s hand away, her wings outspread fiercely. “This just proves I’m a danger to everyone around me. I’m a black hole and I suck everyone in! I’m a pit and everyone is falling into me! Go ahead, tell me I’m WRONG! I dare you!”

Pearl straightened her posture. Even when in the face of agitation, she kept her serenity, gracefully. “Breathe with me.”

“What?!”

“Lapis, breathe with me.”

“Are you MOCKING me?!”

“In, and out. Five, six, seven, eight. Release,” Pearl calmly instructed. 

“This is ridiculous-“

“One, two, three, four-“

“ALRIGHT! Alright, for the love of-!” Lapis forced her hands to stay at her sides, more than fed up. “I’m breathing, I’m breathing!” She inhaled deeply, finding no point to it.

But Pearl only counted again. “Five, six, seven, eight. Release.”

Lapis struggled before she reluctantly exhaled. Her knuckles loosened, the tension in her body lifting. She repeated it a few more times until Pearl stopped counting, her wings folding in behind her at rest.

“How do you feel?” Pearl questioned.

“Honestly? Like shit,” Lapis said truthfully, her voice still heavy with hate. “I didn’t come here for your stupid-“

“You need to calm down. Only then can I try to help you. If you stay irate, we won’t get anywhere with this conversation.”

Lapis gave a glare, knowing Pearl had a point. Then, she finally backed down, quieting down.

Pearl cleared her throat. “So if I’m understanding this correctly, you’re pregnant and you believe that Peridot and Bismuth are involved. You were in heat, which means the obvious that you’re pregnant with their gemlings.”

“... Yes,” Lapis shamefully confirmed.

“Hm… I haven’t heard about anything to do with original Gem reproduction in so long. The only recent I know of course is with Rose, but… this is all Gem! This is like eons ago back before the War even-.”

“Can you help me?”

Pearl bit her lip. “What do you mean?”

“I… don’t know what to do,” Lapis slowly dropped to her knees, giving in and admitting to her lowest. “I never meant for this…”

“I’m assuming that you haven’t announced the news.”

“I can’t.”

“You’ll have to eventually. If you ask me, it’s better now than later.”

Lapis sighed. 

“Have you told anyone else?” Pearl asked.

“Just… you.”

“How far along are you?”

“I don’t know- few weeks maybe,” Lapis scratched her arm. “I wasn’t sure until now.”

Pearl tapped her chin. “Have you decided if you’re going to keep them or not?”

“Not yet…”

“It’s tricky for me to give more adequate advice then, but, I still stick to my suggestion for you to go deliver the news to Peridot and Bismuth. It’s important that all parties involved be informed and come to make a decision together.”

“But what if they hate me?” Lapis began to panic again. “What if they never want to see me again?! This is my fault, Pearl! This is all my fault…-“

“It isn’t all your fault, Lapis. Heat is a natural occurrence for some Gems, and you couldn’t control it. Though it would be nice for of course everything to be consciously consensual, when it comes to instinct honed from primal drive, it’s tricky. You did what you could, and now this decision is all yours. Let it be if you keep your offspring or not, nobody is empowered enough to tell you otherwise. But letting Bismuth and Peridot know about this will help you through this. They’re a part of this too. It’s crucial to keep them in the loop.”

“I don’t think I can do it…”

“Would it help if I came with you so that you could tell them?”

“I don’t know.”

Pearl gathered the clothes all together into a basket. “How about you think about it for a few days, then come back and let me know?”

“I can do that?”

“You don’t need to rush things. Even if it’d be nice to work things out as soon as possible, you need time to properly recollect what’s happening. You especially if you’re expecting; there’s lots of hormones involved.”

Lapis agreed with her about the hormone thing. In fact, during this she felt like bawling her eyes out. She hated it. The sensitivity of her emotions was going to drive her insane. But after a few moments, silence having passed, she finally spoke again. “... Thank you, Pearl.”

“Anytime. And, Lapis?”

Lapis stood and spread her wings, already trying to see if she could catch a draft. As she did so, she looked back at Pearl, watching her begin to take the basket of clothing towards the Warp. 

“For what it’s worth,” Pearl continued, “I apologize about the mirror thing. Had I known that someone active actually withholding a physical form was in there, I…”

“It’s fine,” Lapis monotoned. “We all did horrible stuff during the War.” She glanced down. “... Some of us even long after it.” She said the last statement quietly, then flew off. As much as she would rather avoid the situation in order to avoid judgment and or possible backlash, she knew what she had to do.

_ I could lose them forever… Please let them understand. _

**Author's Note:**

> // There is an Easter egg to another work of mine unrelated to this series regarding Pearl’s method of calming Lapis down. Said work was originally gonna be incorporated into this series, until I had to reroute things a bit and replaced that work with a different one in this series to better fit the timeline and gradual character development/placement.  
> =====  
> aaand more AU note stuff (I wanna make a doc of it later or a separate work of it to keep it all organized but idk yet);
> 
> • Heat/rut cycles are super outdated. The only Gems capable of such are Gems with defects /stunted or faulty Gems (such as Peridot who was Kindergarten produced with less minerals than normal so her genome for it is all wacked up), or Gems from long ago that were unable to get the particular hormone or gene removed (such as Lapis since she was stuck in a mirror, Bismuth as she was in a chest, etc). Most defects however, the primal instinct only is triggered when introduced to the smell of a dam in heat. Peridot was... let’s say lucky with her little Sims woo-hoo. Congrats Peridot, now you gotta pay child support
> 
> • Only dams/carriers can go into heat. Only donors/sires can go into rut. Some Gems can be both but it’s rare. Lapis is a dam and I’m 99.9% sure after this she starts looking into getting spayed or something because she can keep her sanity for only a few hours around little kids. Peridot and Bismuth are sires.


End file.
